Saturday, August 20, 2011
I got it for my college graduation.
Yet I can not look at it without a sharp stab of pain to my heart.
I made my mother cry.
When I was almost 15 my extended family stepped into our situation and offered me the opportunity to live and finish high school with them. Since I was "on the wrong path" at home, my mom reluctantly agreed. It was something that I wanted more than anything. My mother always saw the move as temporary - one that she would put an end to when she moved closer to where I was and the school I was attending.
Her plan did not go well and at 17 - with a year left until I would be a legal adult my extended family fought for me and won legal guardianship. And my mother, unable to see where she did anything different, take any responsibility, she just couldn't understand. It was about this time that the quote for the blog happened.
She was sure that everyone was against her and I was brainwashed. Our extended family had turned me against her. And would begin a bitter and acerbic tirade. It continues to this day if you tap that root.
Graduation and College later, she is still bitter and family encounters are tense and sparse. But my guardians would be at graduation and I want it to be a fun and celebratory day - so when my mom called about making plans to come to it, I quite plainly told her I didn't want her there.
And she cried like I had just ripped her heart out.
And I caved in. All throughout this life we, and extended family too, have never set out to hurt her - she is loved by her siblings, I would wager, more than loved by us, her kids. It's an odd definition of "love" when your dealing with an "off" parent.
Anyway - she came. She pouted at the table where we all sat, but she didn't tirade (I don't remember one anyway) and she gave me this music box as a graduation gift.
You know what the song is?
"Wind Beneath My Wings" because I was her hero.